The Depths
Here I am again in the throes of depression. God, I hate it. I hate that I know I’m here and I can’t just snap out of it. I hate that I hate everything. I hate being this low. I hate missing out on everything. I just want to be normal. I just want to remember what it is like to feel happiness again. I don’t need to feel crazy-happy, just contentment would be preferable to being in The Depths of Depression.
In The Depths there is so much despair and sadness and anger and hopelessness. But this time around, the thing I’m feeling most profoundly in The Depths of Depression is regret. So much regret. Regret that is just crushing in around me, suffocating me, sucking the life out of what’s left in my almost lifeless existence.
I’m regretting how much of my life I’ve wasted in some form of depression. Maybe this birthday just hit me hard, but I’m appreciating more and more that I can’t get this time back. Ironically, this realization makes me more depressed.
I’m regretting that I’ve missed so much of my kids’ lives. Sure I’ve been there, but I’ve not really been present for so much of it. I’ve been the one yelling and stressing and not enjoying it. I just cringe to imagine what my kids are going to remember about their childhood and my role in it.
I’m regretting what this long-term depression has done to me physically. As I ponder on how I got to be over 250 pounds, it always comes back to my depression. I don’t know exactly when this cycles started, but I do know that I was neither fat or depressed when I graduated high school. But the depression started and the weight started creeping up. And then because the weight was going up, I was more and more depressed. And then, before I knew it I was so big that it was just physically so much harder to do anything about the weight and that is even more depressing. Ughh, I’ve been working again at conquering the weight and it just feels so insurmountable.
So what can I do about getting out of The Depths and into The Living? Well, if I had the magic answer, I could probably sell it and make millions of dollars. But I don’t, so I’m kind of playing this by ear and my years of therapy and coming up with a few baby steps that will help me head in the right direction.
1. Be present.
2. Connect with the kids and appreciate them.
3. Be kind to me (and appreciate me too!).
4. Move more and eat less.
This is my 4 step plan to get me on the path out of The Depths and into The Living again. I’m ready.
