Deepest Confessions
- I’m lazy. In every possible way I could be lazy, I am lazy. If being lazy were a sport, I would be too lazy to even show up to receive my medal.
- I’m a horrible mother. (99% of the horribleness comes from being lazy. Do you know how hard it is to be a decent mother if you are lazy?)
- I’m a bad person. Not the kind of bad person that kills other people, just the kind of bad person that is a waste of person-hood.
- I don’t know how to live, really live. I just exist and help my family exist.
- I don’t know what makes me happy. You can smile and laugh and still not be happy. I’ve perfected that.
- I don’t think I love people the right way.
- I don’t think I feel love from other people the right way either.
This is a very, very sad way to go through life. It is no wonder I am depressed. I mean, seriously, look at that list! No wonder I want to die. But I am not dead… yet. I mean if my life is as bad as above and yet I am still alive and have things and people in my life and the DESIRE to LIVE and the desire to change, there is hope, right? Hope, that word just made me tear up. I didn’t expect that writing this stream of consciousness. That is what has been missing. I just go through the motions of life because that is all I know. Miserable, miserable, the life that I have. Thinking of ways to die. Thinking of why everyone will be better off when I am gone. Getting stuck on this miserable cycle. occasionally thinking it could be better, but then it goes away, and back to the cycle of misery. But I never HOPE it will be better. I WISH it will be better, but that is different.
sigh. the tear is gone. i can’t clarify the hope that sparked the early tear. it was a feeling, from deep down. An ember, maybe? Of that fire that died long ago? Is it still burning? Can I ignite it again? how?
