The funny thing is that this is not me just trying to be optimistic. It is just a comfortable knowing that this is my time. There is excitement in feeling this way. I’ve never felt this before.

For example, when I’ve lost weight before I’ve always hung onto my “fat clothes.” It was like a safety net just in case I gained it back. But yesterday I went through my clothes because all of my pants were too big. And I kept a few that I really liked and may get altered to a smaller size if the price is right. But the rest?? I was ruthless. If I didn’t like it enough to pay to have it made smaller, I tossed it into the donate bag. 3 FULL bags later, I had a closet full of only the clothes that I like and will wear. What a great feeling. It was terrific. Not to mention how great my closet looks now with less clothes.

The funny thing that really cemented how I knew this was the real thing this time was when I had this thought: “Which of these pants am I going to keep to be my ‘Before Pants’ for after I’m at my goal weight?” What a great thought that was! I’m so confident that I’m going to reach my goal that I want to save a pair of pants for later to show off how far I’ve come. Ha! So I’ve got my pants all picked out! I can’t wait to look at them in a year or so and marvel that I was ever this size. It is going to be so cool.

But lately, wow, lately I can barely remember feeling that way. It’s kind of like when you get better from being sick with the flu or a really bad cold and you can remember feeling so badly, but you can’t re-feel just how badly you felt. Or like childbirth, you remember being in pain, but you can’t recall the pain exactly. Which, when it comes to having more babies is a good thing, because, let’s face it, who would have another baby if we could recall the exact amount of pain?

I’ve been working really, really hard at improving the 3 core areas of my life: my health/weight, my home, and my finances.  Everyday I focus on cleaning my house and keeping it organized. It is hard and I don’t enjoy it, but I’ve kept it up for a month now and I’m so proud of myself and the way my home looks. Keeping up my house actually makes me feel good, even though I hate it when I’m doing it.

Same thing with my weight and exercising. I’m only exercising 3 times a week, and I hate almost every second of it. I’m also staying on program with Weight Watchers and only eating my daily and weekly points. I hate that too. Oh, I want to binge soooo badly. I just want to eat. But I have resisted and I have seen results. I’ve lost over 10 lbs (won’t know exactly how much until I weigh-in this Sunday). I’m seeing some results in my body and the way my clothes fit. I like results. But most importantly, I’m proud of myself. THAT is a nice feeling.

So these things with my house and my weight are so great, but here’s where I’m puzzled. Do I only feel better/not depressed because of these accomplishments I’ve made in my life? Or am I only finally capable of making these changes because my depression is finally being managed pharmaceutically? I really want it to be the former, but I suspect it is at least partly due to the later. And that bothers me, at this point. That makes me feel like I will need to be on medication for the rest of my life and I hate that.

But, I’m trying not to focus on that right now. I’m trying to remind myself that maybe this medication is what I need right now to get myself in order and then once I’m at the place I want to be, I will be able to try to ween. I have to just accept that as my truth for this moment in time. I’m accepting that and I’m moving forward focusing on the positive fact that I’m feeling happy. I have to stay in this place I am today. I’m happy. I’m content. I feel hopeful. And those are wonderful things to finally feel again.

It hasn’t been easy, but it hasn’t been horrendous. The funny thing is that I’m finding more satisfaction in the “house upkeep” than I am the weight loss/healthy thing. I know that it is only because I see such results with all my work I’m putting into the house. It makes me so happy to come home to a clean house. It is so much easier to cook in a clean kitchen. It is wonderful to have clean clothes. All those things are visible proof of my hard work and I feel extreme satisfaction in this area.

On the other hand, this getting healthy thing of dieting and exercising is really hard work. And I’m not seeing results so quickly. The first week on WW I lost 5lbs (!) & that was awesome. This week I gained back 1.6 of that (I know why, though… it was because I hadn’t pooped in 2 days!! ugh, I was so bloated). I’m not as upset with myself as I thought I would be because I’m still down 3.4lbs & that is a great average for 2 weeks. Plus I know as soon as I poop, I’ll be equal to last week’s weight (hehe, sorry for the TMI).

This health stuff is hard. Not only is it so difficult to convince myself to go exercise, it is so hard while I am doing it! I know it will get easier, but the here & now is so very difficult. The other difficult piece is the eating piece. I mean, I know how to eat (obviously or I wouldn’t weight 243 lbs), but the planning and preparing of healthy food is not only quite laborious, it is a thankless job. The time and prep that goes into a meal & then it is over as soon as it is eaten, and then I have to get ready to prep the next meal– it’s never-ending!!

So those are my challenges. I’m in a good place with them right now and I know as soon as I see more results weight-loss wise I will consider this work more worth-while.

But I also got a message today from God that I’m on the right path and that it is going to be worth it. On my way home from WW, I passed a church that had this written on its message board: “Change is Inevitable. Growth is Intentional.” I found this to be very inspirational and so true. I hate change and resist it at any cost, but deep down I know this is futile, because change IS inevitable. Everything changes. Some changes are good, some don’t seem good at the time. I want to change a lot about myself, but I’m doing it with purpose. This year I’m focusing on 3 areas of growth in my life: My House, My Health, & My Finances. And I am being very intentional in how I am going to change and grow. I felt like this was God whispering in my ear that I am on the right track. It gave me chills and brought tears to my eyes, thinking that He was speaking to me.

Coming off a day like today makes me wonder how and why I thought our relationship was over. She’s only 10… of course it’s not!! But that was the depression and low self-esteem talking. In my mind, I was such a worthless person and such a horrible mother I couldn’t conceive of having the kind of relationship I wanted with my daughter. I thought it wasn’t a possibility so I all but wrote off the idea of having a meaningful relationship with her. I didn’t want to hope for it and be disappointed. Bottom line, I didn’t think I was capable of doing the work. And I think, a little part of me was worried Macy would reject me and not want me to mother her the way I hoped. It was scary.

But today, today was amazing. It was nothing huge and special, just a bunch of little moments. I took her to the doctor, to get a hair cut, to the camera store, and then to my photography class field trip at the beach. It was just a bunch of littles that added up to a nice day. A day where she was herself and I was myself. A day where she asked me questions as they popped into her head. A day where we connected over music. A day of just being together.

Here’s to MANY more great days with Macy.

original::

i have so much about my life and myself that I want to change. All the experts say to take “baby steps” and I totally agree. But I don’t know where to start. This is my “brain dump” of things to change. I’ll come back and add to it, prioritize, and check things off.

ABSTRACT Things to Change:

• Laziness
• self-hating
•  

Physical Things to Change:

• weight/health
• household habits/cleanliness

This is a very, very sad way to go through life. It is no wonder I am depressed. I mean, seriously, look at that list! No wonder I want to die. But I am not dead… yet. I mean if my life is as bad as above and yet I am still alive and have things and people in my life and the DESIRE to LIVE and the desire to change, there is hope, right? Hope, that word just made me tear up. I didn’t expect that writing this stream of consciousness. That is what has been missing. I just go through the motions of life because that is all I know. Miserable, miserable, the life that I have. Thinking of ways to die. Thinking of why everyone will be better off when I am gone. Getting stuck on this miserable cycle. occasionally thinking it could be better, but then it goes away, and back to the cycle of misery. But I never HOPE it will be better. I WISH it will be better, but that is different.

sigh. the tear is gone. i can’t clarify the hope that sparked the early tear. it was a feeling, from deep down. An ember, maybe? Of that fire that died long ago? Is it still burning? Can I ignite it again? how?

In The Depths there is so much despair and sadness and anger and hopelessness. But this time around, the thing I’m feeling most profoundly in The Depths of Depression is regret. So much regret. Regret that is just crushing in around me, suffocating me, sucking the life out of what’s left in my almost lifeless existence.

I’m regretting how much of my life I’ve wasted in some form of depression. Maybe this birthday just hit me hard, but I’m appreciating more and more that I can’t get this time back.  Ironically, this realization makes me more depressed.

I’m regretting that I’ve missed so much of my kids’ lives. Sure I’ve been there, but I’ve not really been present for so much of it. I’ve been the one yelling and stressing and not enjoying it. I just cringe to imagine what my kids are going to remember about their childhood and my role in it.

I’m regretting what this long-term depression has done to me physically. As I ponder on how I got to be over 250 pounds, it always comes back to my depression. I don’t know exactly when this cycles started, but I do know that I was neither fat or depressed when I graduated high school. But the depression started and the weight started creeping up. And then because the weight was going up, I was more and more depressed. And then, before I knew it I was so big that it was just physically so much harder to do anything about the weight and that is even more depressing. Ughh, I’ve been working again at conquering the weight and it just feels so insurmountable.

So what can I do about getting out of  The Depths and into The Living? Well, if I had the magic answer, I could probably sell it and make millions of dollars. But I don’t, so I’m kind of playing this by ear and my years of therapy and coming up with a few baby steps that will help me head in the right direction.

1. Be present.

2. Connect with the kids and appreciate them.

3. Be kind to me (and appreciate me too!).

4. Move more and eat less.

This is my 4 step plan to get me on the path out of The Depths and into The Living again. I’m ready.

1. My Thyroid Cancer was back. Cancer SUCKS. Supposedly, Thyroid Cancer is the “good” cancer to get. Sure you don’t have to have Chemo or Radiation, but it is still Cancer. And having Cancer is SCAREY.

2. To do the RAI, I had to go on a low-iodine diet. That’s the crappiest diet ever!!!! Obviously no iodized salt, but you don’t know if restaurant or prepackaged food uses iodized or non-iodized, so you have to assume it is iodized. Also, no Soy products, no fish products, and NO DAIRY. Ugh. I wasn’t very compliant because I didn’t have to do this diet the last time I did RAI with a different doctor, so I felt like it would still be fine. So I just avoided Dairy, soy and fish, but still had some packaged foods and ate out, minus those items. I ate a lot of homemade bread and avocados and fruit.

3. RAI isolation. Being that I have young children and a 17 month-old, this was important that I didn’t expose them to any radiation from my dose. The problem is that you don’t know if you are still radioactive or how much you are emanating. So I was in the hospital for 2 nights in isolation-boredom: the nurses wouldn’t even come in! All food was left at the door and I was called on the phone. Ugh. After I was discharged, I went to my parents and stayed in their extra bedroom. I had to have my own bathroom since most of the radiation would be eliminated through my waste. But the worst thing of all at my parents? NO INTERNET!!! I know, the horror!!

4. Thyroid hell afterwards. The last thing that has been difficult has been the way I felt. I had to go off my thyroid meds for 4 days and get injections of Thyrogen, to make my TSH go up as if I had been without Thyroid meds for 3 weeks. The idea of Thyrogen shots is to avoid the horrible feels of hypothyroidism (low thyroid hormone levels). But 5 days after my treatment I was feeling BAAAAAD. Exhausted, in a special, no thyroid kind of way, cold, and achey. My doctor didn’t think I should be feeling that way since we did the Thyrogen, but at least she believed me and treated me with T3. It has been 3 weeks and I’m still feeling tired, but she’s still letting me be on the T3, for which I am grateful.

The items that I sampled were the Smart for Life cookies, in two flavors; cupcakes; and a few other things like bagel thins, crunchy snacks, cereal, and a just-add-water-shake. I also sampled underWAY’s appetite suppressing drink. I was also sent the official “Plan” of how to use the cookies and products. Following this plan, they predict you will lose 10-15 pounds a month and not be hungry. The plan advises:

Within 1 hour of waking up, eat your first Smart Cookie along with a glass of water. Then every 2-3 hours, when you feel hungry, eat another Smart Cookie. You should eat 6 Smart Cookies throughout the day and then a healthy, low-fat dinner of chicken or fish with 5 cups of vegetables as outlined in your Program Guide included in your order. This will retrain you to eat small, multiple meals throughout the day. 

My opinion: Can someone lose weight on this program and not be hungry? Yes, easily and completely if they follow the plan and exercise.

My result: I lost 5 pounds the week I tried the products and included 4 workouts at my gym. I did NOT follow the plan. I just had cookies in place of breakfast and for my after-gym snack. I wasn’t sent enough samples to try the full plan for more than a few days, so it worked better for me to spread them out over a week. But it did give me a good feel for the program.

I found the “cookies” satisfying in the morning, along with my cup of coffee and a glass of water. However, they are not really like a cookie, they are denser and thicker than most cookies I have ever made, which makes them more appropriate as meal-replacements. I was not hungry for several hours. An added benefit was the “cookie” made me poop every morning within an hour of finishing it. I think it must have something to do with their proprietary HeroFiber. For me that is a HUGE bonus. I am quite irregular in the pooping department, and when I am dieting I think pooping is a good indicator of metabolic rate, so I like to be regular especially when dieting.

The underWay drink was good tasting. I really liked the Acai-Pomegranate. I had one after a workout and as an afternoon snack. It is like a Diet Gatorade, but with added fiber and supplements to help you feel full. It was not as filling as a “cookie” but it was yummy and sweet when I was thirsty.

As far as taste goes, some of the items I sampled tasted really good, and some of them tasted dry and much like “diet food.” For instance, I really enjoyed the Chocolate Chip “Cookie”, but I could not even drink the just-add-water Vanilla shake– it was very watery and smelled like baby formula. All the other “cookie” alternatives were similar and not as good as the just the regular “cookies.” The “cupcakes” were the exception. They were very yummy, but they were very small and not as filling as the “cookies.” I had a hard time just eating 1 cupcake and expecting it to last till my next meal.

If I were to do this program myself, I would do just the “cookies” in the Chocolate Chip flavor. The Oatmeal Raisin “cookies” were just OK, as they were considerably more dry and difficult to swallow compared to the Chocolate Chip “cookies”. I liked the “cookies” as my breakfast and morning snack and my after-gym treat. I find that I come home from exercise STARVING, and the “cookie” held that at bay.

If you are looking for a program to help lose weight, you definitely will lose weight using the Smart for Life “Cookies” Plan, however it is expensive, since you have to buy multiple weeks at once. They say it averages to around $5 a day for their products, which sounds AWESOME, but for our family budget, it is too difficult to buy 4 weeks at a time and still buy food for the rest of the family. I wish I could afford to supplement my diet this way. I am very grateful for the opportunity to have sampled these products. Thanks Smart of Life and underWAY.

For all of my blog readers, Smart for Life and underWAY have supplied me with a 10% discount code for underWAY and Smart for Life products. Please use MCUS10OFFUW for underWAY products at www.underWAY.com and MCUS10OFFSFL at www.smartforlife.com. GOOD LUCK and let me know what you think of my FIRST REVIEW!!!

“I wrote this review while participating in a blog tour campaign by Mom Central on behalf of underWAY and Smart for Life and received samples of the products to review.”