Starting Over…. AGAIN (redux) & THE HATE

I don’t know what number time this is for me starting over. But the great thing is that it doesn’t matter. I’m not going to dwell on it. I’m just going to start over and be thankful that I’m starting over.

I’m at 264lbs again. I hate that number. I hate how easy it is to gain weight and how difficult it is to lose. I hate how much I hate myself, if that makes sense. I hate that I am so very tired all the time. I hate the kind of parent I am. I hate the wife I have become. I hate my messy house. I hate my lack of patience. I hate our lack of money. I hate. I hate. I hate. HATE!

As I’ve been in therapy and trying to come to grips with my depression and other issues I commonly say that I don’t know what I am feeling. I think I’ve realized why. I don’t feel anything but hate. But I don’t like feeling hate. In fact, I HATE hating. I know it is not normal to HATE everything, so therefore I don’t acknowledge it. But I think if I acknowledge it I can move past it. So I’m going to acknowledge the HATE in an effort to feel other things.

Unfortunately I haven’t been to therapy in a couple weeks (a variety of reasons, all boring), so I don’t know if this is an “approved” technique. But, one thing I do know is that I’m ready to move past THE HATE and on to LIVING.

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