I had a great day today with Macy. It was so great to connect with her. It reminds me that my relationship with her has so much possibility. It reminds me that past habits/choices/patterns don’t necessarily determine our future. It reminds me that I can choose NOW the course I want our relationship to take. It reminds me that all it is going to take is my time and a little bit of effort. It reminds me that she loves me because I am her mother and she just wants my attention and love.
Coming off a day like today makes me wonder how and why I thought our relationship was over. She’s only 10… of course it’s not!! But that was the depression and low self-esteem talking. In my mind, I was such a worthless person and such a horrible mother I couldn’t conceive of having the kind of relationship I wanted with my daughter. I thought it wasn’t a possibility so I all but wrote off the idea of having a meaningful relationship with her. I didn’t want to hope for it and be disappointed. Bottom line, I didn’t think I was capable of doing the work. And I think, a little part of me was worried Macy would reject me and not want me to mother her the way I hoped. It was scary.
But today, today was amazing. It was nothing huge and special, just a bunch of little moments. I took her to the doctor, to get a hair cut, to the camera store, and then to my photography class field trip at the beach. It was just a bunch of littles that added up to a nice day. A day where she was herself and I was myself. A day where she asked me questions as they popped into her head. A day where we connected over music. A day of just being together.
Here’s to MANY more great days with Macy.