I feel happy, yes me, happy again! That is such a hard thing for me to say. I’ve been depressed for so long I’ve forgotten what it feels like to feel happy & content. In fact, I’d given up hope of ever feeling anything besides depression. I just felt resigned to being depressed forever. I thought about suicide often. I didn’t want to kill myself, but I thought about it as an option all the time. I’d actually gotten to the point where I just knew that one day, probably when the kids were grown, I’d take my own life. I just knew that I would eventually reach a point when I couldn’t stand another moment of feeling such emptiness, such loneliness, such despair. It was just a given for me, a sad, unfortunate truth.
But lately, wow, lately I can barely remember feeling that way. It’s kind of like when you get better from being sick with the flu or a really bad cold and you can remember feeling so badly, but you can’t re-feel just how badly you felt. Or like childbirth, you remember being in pain, but you can’t recall the pain exactly. Which, when it comes to having more babies is a good thing, because, let’s face it, who would have another baby if we could recall the exact amount of pain?
I’ve been working really, really hard at improving the 3 core areas of my life: my health/weight, my home, and my finances. Everyday I focus on cleaning my house and keeping it organized. It is hard and I don’t enjoy it, but I’ve kept it up for a month now and I’m so proud of myself and the way my home looks. Keeping up my house actually makes me feel good, even though I hate it when I’m doing it.
Same thing with my weight and exercising. I’m only exercising 3 times a week, and I hate almost every second of it. I’m also staying on program with Weight Watchers and only eating my daily and weekly points. I hate that too. Oh, I want to binge soooo badly. I just want to eat. But I have resisted and I have seen results. I’ve lost over 10 lbs (won’t know exactly how much until I weigh-in this Sunday). I’m seeing some results in my body and the way my clothes fit. I like results. But most importantly, I’m proud of myself. THAT is a nice feeling.
So these things with my house and my weight are so great, but here’s where I’m puzzled. Do I only feel better/not depressed because of these accomplishments I’ve made in my life? Or am I only finally capable of making these changes because my depression is finally being managed pharmaceutically? I really want it to be the former, but I suspect it is at least partly due to the later. And that bothers me, at this point. That makes me feel like I will need to be on medication for the rest of my life and I hate that.
But, I’m trying not to focus on that right now. I’m trying to remind myself that maybe this medication is what I need right now to get myself in order and then once I’m at the place I want to be, I will be able to try to ween. I have to just accept that as my truth for this moment in time. I’m accepting that and I’m moving forward focusing on the positive fact that I’m feeling happy. I have to stay in this place I am today. I’m happy. I’m content. I feel hopeful. And those are wonderful things to finally feel again.