I often ask myself how I got to this point. How did I let myself get this big? How did I let myself stay this big? Why am I OK with being so miserable? How did I let this go on this long?
The only answer I can come up with is that I have made a lot of excuses for myself. Many of them are related to my health. I don’t think of myself as an unhealthy person, but I have my share of health issues, many of them related to being obese. Many of these issues get in the way of my weight loss.
Physical health issues:
- Plantar fasciitis flares up when I exercise, especially walk. This is problematic when I am trying to lose weight.
- Pre-diabetes, insulin resistant, PCOS, formerly had Gestational Diabetes… all of these are essentially the same. After this last pregnancy and being on insulin, I really don’t want diabetes to be in my future. I had the not-so-fun experience in the hospital, after Gemma’s birth dealing with “Dueling Doctors.” Each new OB would come in (none of whom I saw for prenatal care) had differing opinions on a diabetic diagnosis. Some thought I was already a diabetic, and not just gestational, and tried to keep me on insulin. Luckily, I see an Endocrinologist (diabetes specialist) for my thyroid issues, and she very clearly believed that I was NOT type 2. So I had to assert myself many times and say, “But my Endocrinologist feels that I am Prediabetic/gestational!” And almost all the OBs were happy to defer to the “Diabetes Doctor’s” opinion.
- Previous Thyroid Cancer. In 2007 I had a total thyroidectomy due to thyroid cancer. I had a radioactive iodine treatment in 2007 (I also had a recurrence and had another treatment in 2010). My doctor in 2007 me that I essentially don’t have a metabolism any more and that losing weight would be essentially difficult to impossible. In the 6 years since, I have found that to be true. I have to work extremely hard to lose just 10 pounds, which is then just frustrating, so I quit.
- Shoulder/knee/wrist pain. These different pains act up sporadically. The knee is definitely from my weight. The shoulder pain has been a lot better lately. And my wrist pain is from a ganglion cyst, but it only bothers me doing push up, weight-bearing type activities.
Mental health issues:
- Depression: This is a big one for me. I have struggled with this since my early 20s. I think depression is partly what caused me to gain weight, and then being bigger caused me to be depressed and then vicious cycle.
Perceived health issues:
- Stupidly, being obese makes it really hard to do anything physical. I mean, obviously it makes sense why, but sometimes it is just another obstacle to getting healthy.
- Exhaustion. When I say I am tired all the time, I literally mean ALL THE TIME. I could nap at any given time. Sometimes I worry that something else is wrong because of how exhausted I am, but I am 99% sure it is because of my obesity. Duh, I know.
I turned 38 in April. This number has had a profound impact on my thinking. I suddenly realized that I may have already lived half of my life!! Talk about a depressing realization! But what made me even more depressed was realizing that almost half of my 38 years have been with me being unhealthy and overweight. It is hard to know exactly how long I have been this unhealthy. I know I gained almost 50 pounds my freshman year of college. That sucked. Then I gained another 25-35 over the next 10 years. And then another 10-15 in the last 5 years. I’ve felt like utter, complete crap for so much of that time. It is a crappy way to live, but I did it day in and day out. But something about turning 38, and being 2 years away from 40 that has made my mortality hit me. I am suddenly motivated to not only improve my daily life and enjoy my health, but to be around to enjoy my grandchildren.
I hope that I have AT LEAST another 38 years of living, but I don’t want them to be like these past 18 years! I am ready to make a change, despite all my health issues.