I have this “friend” who drives me crazy now. We were once close, then she said something very hurtful to me; had her own personal “slow speed come apart;” went into selfish “all about me” mode; and now is pregnant and wants things to be back to where they were… but not talk about the issues from the past. I would very much like to just cut her out of my life, but because she is my neighbor and we share carpooling-the-preschoolers-to-school duty, it just isn’t possible right now.
So I find myself just trying to get over it and get to a place that we can be friends again. And I sometimes can almost feel myself at that place, but then I will get some reminder about her true colors and it just takes me back to a resentful place.
I find that female friends are so important, and I greatly desire more uplifting and positive women in my life. Women who inspire me, as much as I inspire them to be a better person, friend, and mother. I want more of these friends in my life, and she will never be one of these friends. She is the opposite of this kind of friend I desire. Because she is ultimately so selfish, it makes me be selfish, just so I don’t feel taken advantage of. If she asks me to help her out, I immediately wonder when I will be reciprocated, if ever. It is like there is a tally I keep in my mind to make sure we are equally contributing to the friendship. Trust me, that is no way to grow and flourish a friendship. But yet, I know if I let my guard down, I will be the only one giving because she is a taker.
So for now, I will continue to have this give and take and tally-keeping of a friendship, because I don’t know what the alternative is.
I also must continue to look for and invest in the type of friendship I crave. It just sometimes feels silly to be 38 and looking for deep, meaningful friendships. But this is where I am and it feels important to me right now. I keep repeating to myself: “To have a friend, you must be a friend.” I know that if I keep putting myself out there it will happen.