February, Already????

And almost mid-February, at that. Geesh.

I have felt All The Feelings and had all the ups and downs for a whole year in these first few weeks of 2014.

I need to recap some biggies here before I forget.

January started and I was feeling SO MOTIVATED to get healthy. I mean it. FULLY MOTIVATED. This was it!!! I was going to get healthy and lose 30 lbs by my birthday (April 11th) to jump start my 39th year. Then I was going to focus on losing the rest of this weight (modestly another 50, ambitiously another 80) by my 40th birthday, next year. I could just feel it in my core that I was really going to do it! I was excited! I was ready to do the hard work!

And then I had a possible job opportunity that sent me into a tailspin mentally. This was for a full-time teaching position at a high school I recently did a 6 month long term substitute assignment. I was conflicted about working, to say the least! On the one hand, the VERY, heavy, big hand, we NEEDED me to have this well-paying job. We are in serious jeopardy of losing our house. We are in our last chance of getting a modification on our home loan. (This is for another post. I cannot write about all the details until I know what the final outcome is going to be. Some details: DH was demoted, to the tune of $30k less a year 2.5 years ago. Up until the baby was born, I had been substitute teaching here and there and looking for some type of part-time job, to no avail. We’ve been trying to get our loan modified since we knew about the pay cut. They won’t even consider you for a modification until you have missed some payments. So we did. We kept getting denied for ILLEGAL reasons. We filed bankruptcy. We hired lawyers. We are still waiting to hear. It has been a horrible way to live, raise our family, and have a new baby amid such uncertainty. A really, really horrible way to live, if you can even call it living. I’ve wanted to walk away so many times just to be out from under this burden. DH feels strongly about staying. It has taken its toll on our marriage.) So, anyways, me having this job would have financially answered a lot of our prayers, all of them actually. So applying for the job was really a no-brainer. I had to do it. BUT, that brought up so many worries. And I, historically, am not a worrier, although I was raised by a champion worrier. So worry is a difficult thing for me to feel. But I felt plenty of worry.

Most of my worries were about how I could possibly manage working full-time and still be a decent mom to my 4 kids. I couldn’t wrap my brain around it. The 6 month assignment I previously worked at this school was VERY difficult because I was pregnant and had 3 kids. How could I do it with 4? Some of my worry was about the baby. My mom refused to commit to babysitting (like she has always done, but that’s for another post) 5 days a week. So I would have to find outside care. This bothered me to my core. I felt like I sacrificed so much to stay home while my kids were babies, and then to go back and have to put the last baby in a stranger’s care?? Even now, weeks later, I’m tearing up just thinking about it. It makes me feel like a failure as a mom (and it makes me angry with my mom, but again, another post). The rest of my worry was about if I still had what it took to teach 5 periods a day. (I will post about my thoughts on me as a teacher another day too. Soon. I will.)

But through all of my worries, I was most worried about if I would get it. I thought I had more than a fair chance. I thought everyone was happy with my performance 2 years ago. My friend is an administrator there. I had a pretty good interview. The job was supposed to start the first Monday of February. I got a call the Wednesday before that saying they had to keep interviewing because the HR boss felt they didn’t have enough of a pool to pick from on such a tight time crunch. He said he would be in touch. It has been 2 weeks since I’ve heard anything. I’ve assumed I did not get the job. The emotions I’ve felt over this have been all over the place. Not getting this job hurt more than I expected it to.

So from mid-January, when I first applied for this job, till now, I have been an emotional mess. With the HIGHS of how great this job would be financially for my family. To the LOWS about having to arrange outside childcare and the stress about working full-time and then NOT getting the job. So that just opened the door to my old nemesis: Depression. I have not been depressed in such a long time. I was not prepared for its return. I don’t think I need to go back on any medication just yet, because so much of my feelings revolve around situations that will be resolving soon or have resolved. But I just need to acknowledge that the Depression is back and work on fighting through it. That’s a big part of why I’m writing this. It helps me feel my feelings.

I wish I could rewind back to the second week of January, where I was losing weight and in a great place mentally. I would never apply for the job. I would never actually look at the posting for that job. Yeah, right. I wish. Since I can’t do that, I just need to recommit and refocus. I’m going to start with my menu planning. For whatever reason, the small act of sitting down and focusing on what I’m going to cook and buy for the week really helps in other areas. It makes me feel empowered. It motivates me. It makes me a better me.

So that’s where I’m going to start.

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