What will they Remember?

Food:

  • Breakfast: fiber1 cereal/NF milk, 2 poached eggs, 1 coffee w/ creamer, 1 coffee w/ ½ & ½ & stevia
  • Snack:
  • Lunch: 6 California rolls, soy, ¼ pear
  • Snack: PB toast
  • Dinner: cx enchilada, beans, brown rice, chips & guac
  • Snack:

Exercise:  5 laps around school & kitchen cleaning (the sweat was literally dripping off of my head and on to my clean floor! I really worked it!)

Water: good (as long as I have my lemon!)

Energy: Excellent!

Household: I completely cleaned the kitchen! Floors & all! AWESOME! I also vacuumed the family & entry

Budget/money: It’s easy to stay on budget when I don’t leave the house!!

Parenting: 5 I was super engaged w/ E today. Also, pretty good with M & O during homework.  Could have been better during bedtime, but I was so exhausted after not taking a nap… could barely muster the energy to brush my teeth. Tomorrow will be better.

Gratitude:  My life & health. Karen has spots on her liver & she is really worried. She posted to FB, “I hope my children remember me.” Oh my gosh, that is heart-wrenching! Then it got me thinking about my own children and would they remember me? Now, M & O, of course they would, but WHAT would they remember about me. Ewwww. That was such a horrible thought. They would remember the yelling, the stress, the fatness, the depression, the naps…. I could go on and on. What positive things would they remember?

I have no doubt that if Scott died the kids would be devastated by his absence forever. But by mine? Realistically, probably not. Sure they would miss me, but not to the same level as Scott or any other “normal” mommy. That sucks, but I brought it on myself. I missed a lot during my “mental absence.” I can never get that back.  I also lost a lot of their love and trust, but THOSE I can earn back. And I will. I am going to be more present in their daily life. I am going to be more present in our interactions. I am going to be more of a presence in their lives- P E R I O D.

This life I’ve been leading has been ridiculous.

  • I’ve missed out on so much already- Macy’s going to be 10 this year!! I can’t get it back, but I can be the Mommy I want to be from here on out.

I’m going to be 35 next month—if I want to live to at least 75, I have to change my health. I want to be the Woman I want to be from here on out.

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I love how he doesn’t have to do anything

Men suck! I worked soooooo hard to lose those 4 pounds last week. Scott did nothing but eat the food I cooked for him. He lost 4 pounds too. No exercise. No water. No sacrifices. Just no eating out– only eating what I prepared for him: fresh food with lots of veggies. It feels really unfair. However, the good news is that I am not discouraged. I am still VERY proud of what I have accomplished and that I am still VERY motivated. This is a big deal because in the past his losing weight so quickly and effortlessly would have caused me to throw in the towel. But this time I know it is going to happen for me & I am excited to do the work. I am also glad to be making my man healthier. I mean, how can that be bad?? Plus, how much healthier are the kids?? If Scott is seeing a 4 pound weight loss, the kids have to be healthier too. Now that, THAT is terrific. That makes me feel like a good mom.

Food:

  • Breakfast: 1egg+2whites, low gly cinn toast, ½ banana, coffee w/ half/half
  • Snack: trail mix
  • Lunch: turkey, spinach, avocado pita, lite Activia, cucumber, DIET PEPSI!
  • Snack: hummus & veggie chips
  • Dinner: (my mom invited us over) Cx breast, pasta, broccoli, edamame
  • Snack: fiber 1 w/ almond milk, veggie chips (man, those are addicting!)

Exercise:  1 lap around school. Gym: 20 min cardio, legs

Water: good, but I had a diet pepsi w/ lunch. It wasn’t as good as I thought, but I’m thinking that has more to do with the fact that it wasn’t Diet COKE—Yummy!

Energy: I took a nap, it was awesome.

Household: Not much because I spent a good part of the day with my car at the shop, only to find out it was fine. Grrrrr.

Budget/money: Super good since I didn’t need brakes! Also, I went to several stores while I was waiting for my car to be checked out and I didn’t buy anything. PLUS, I packed my sandwich and didn’t buy lunch w/ my mom. Although, I did spend $70+ online to buy a water filter and replacement shelf for our refrigerator. That sucked, but was necessary.

Parenting: 3 Sent the kids to my mom’s so I could nap. I needed it. I need to give myself permission to do that once in awhile, not all the time like before, but once a week is fine.  

Gratitude: Scott. He is an AMAZING father. I am so grateful that he really LIKES spending time with our kids. We have had some rough patches, especially lately, but he does support me in my effort to change and become a better version of myself. I truly hope that after I am happy with myself, inside and out, that my relationship with him will strengthen & grow.

The Great Purge & Organize of 2010

I started with the pantries today and it was awesome!  Getting rid of the stuff that was expired or was just crumbs left felt great. Reorganizing it made it look nice. I now know what I have and what I need. It also made meal planning much easier. I need to save some money for Tupperware! Ooh, that would make it REALLY nice!

I can’t wait to tackle the rest of the kitchen and the garage! Watch out junk, here I come!

Food:

  • Breakfast: 2egg, cheese, tortilla burrito, ½ banana, coffee w/ half/half & stevia
  • Snack: trail mix & string cheese & homemade greentea
  • Lunch: (oops, forgot to eat! Too busy with a fussy, fussy baby & cleaning out the pantry)
  • Snack: fiber one cereal w/ almond milk
  • Dinner: 3 pork tacos (corn tortilla, cheese, guacamole, spinach, tomatoes), red cabbage salad, refried beans
  • Snack: 3 packs of cookies (UGH… the first one tasted so good I went back for more. Now I feel yucky.)

Exercise:  3 laps around school

Water: OK. I didn’t fill up my big bottle until after dinner, which makes it easier to drink.

Energy:  Blahhhh. Getting up was hard, yadda, yadda, yadda. I actually got quite a bit of energy as I was cleaning out the pantry—a side effect from the act of purging & organizing!

Household:

  • 1 load of laundry
  • Menu planned for the week.
  • Organized the garage and inside freezer to plan what I had & needed to get. I made a list of things to use first. Also made my grocery & Costco list.
  • Purged & organized the pantry & the junk above the refrigerator. Wow that felt good… except for when I dropped and broke the glass bottle of rice vinegar! Ewww, it was a smelly mess and the glass went EVERYWHERE!

Budget/money: Bought some essentials at Target. I ended up only spending $6 because I brought back a couple things first.

Parenting: 6 Good day, even though Easton was sick and cranky all day. I helped kids with their homework. Owen helped with dinner.

Gratitude:  I am grateful for my new friend Mary. I really enjoy being friends with someone with a baby at the same time as me. Also, it is so nice having a friend live on the same street! I was so jealous of Ann & Gayle, now I get it. It rocks!

I can’t believe I didn’t leave the house once today!!

Food:

  • Breakfast: breakfast burritos: 3 eggs, cheese, salsa, tortilla; coffee w/ half/half & stevia
  • Snack:
  • Lunch: turkey, avocado, wheat pita, snap peas
  • Snack: vanilla ice cream w/ thin mint crumbles
  • Dinner: Crockpot Pork roast, sweet potatoes, salad
  • Snack: 2 packages of Trail Mix

Exercise:  30 min Shred, level 1

Water: excellent!

Energy: Morning hard, as always. Maybe a little more so since E wanted to nurse ALL NIGHT. I crashed in the late-afternoon because of not having any caffeine in the afternoon. I then took a nap for a LOT longer than I had planned!

Household: Cooked dinner. Cleaned up kitchen. Paid bills.

Budget/money: Didn’t leave the house… so no money spent. And then when I paid the bills and balanced the checking: ugh—we will be out of money once these bills clear. I have allocated $100/week for groceries & misc for a total of $350 for the remainder of the month. $125 for gas for the remainder of the month. I am really going to stick to this. It feels really good to be getting a grip on our financial situation. Now I just have to get Scott on board with my plan. He thinks he is on board, but I don’t think he really is.

Parenting: 2 On the weekends I tend to let Scott do most of the parenting with the big kids. That has to change. I want it to change. It is going to be hard. Baby steps.

Gratitude:  I am grateful I have a nice house. I am grateful we can put healthy food on our table. I am grateful for my amazingly unique family!!

Boy hits Homerun, Mother misses it!

Food:

  • Breakfast: oatmeal w/ brown sugar, raisins, ¼ banana, coffee w/stevia & half/half (really liked!)
  • Snack: breakfast burritos (eggs, cheese, tortilla, salsa) coffee w/ stevia & half/half
  • Lunch: Whole Pita sandwich: turkey, hummus, spinach, ½ avocado
  • Snack: hummus & tortilla chips
  • Dinner: hamburger helper (beef, pasta, cheesy), snap peas
  • Snack: Fro Yogurt, fish crackers (too many!!!)

Exercise: 35 min elliptical

Water: Excellent… this is getting redundant.

Energy: Did not want to get up with E @ 5:50, soooooo tired (He got up at 11, 1, & 3 too). But Scott was golfing and he wouldn’t go back to sleep or even just play in his crib. Felt better after coffee. Felt good after gym too. 2 o’clock tired…

Hypno tapes:  nap time

Household: 2 loads of laundry

Budget/money: Normally we would go out to eat after baseball game, but I was a little late to the game and made sandwiches for everyone. Spent $0 during the day, so we got Yogurt Town yogurt for dessert (with coupon).

Parenting: 1 Because of a lack of planning ahead… I missed Owen’s AWESOME homerun! I got there right after. It is only tball, but he, evidently, hit the ball over the all outfielders’ heads. They had to chase the ball down & by the time they got to the ball, Owen was almost at 3rd base! I watched his other 2 at bats & he hit them fine, but no homeruns! Since I’m going to be packing lunches for future baseball games, I need to do that ahead of time or not go to the gym. I don’t want to miss any of his future homeruns.

Breaking Habits is Hard to do

Eating out habits are hard to end. While I was out running errands, I got hungry. It was really hard not to just go through a drive thru. I even planned what I could get that would be “healthier” than a hamburger. However, I knew if I went for the fast food, there was no way I could not get a diet coke. Then I REALLY wanted one. However, I decided I had yummy Tofu stir fry left overs and went home in the end. Yeah me!!

Food:

  • Breakfast: 1egg + 2 whites, 1 ½ low gly toast, coffee w/ 2tbs half/half + sf syrup
  • Snack: fish crackers (2 handfuls)
  • Lunch: l/o tofu fried rice, pear, hummus, tortilla chips
  • Snack: string cheese, life cereal & almond
  • Dinner: Panda Express: ½ veggies/ ½ rice, green bean chicken
  • Snack: veggie chips (too many—I thought these were going to be healthier than they actually are. Truth is they are not much better than potato chips. And they are just as addicting. Won’t be buying them again.

Exercise: 2 laps around the school.

Water: Excellent. No soda again. I’m hardly craving it any longer- except when I think about it. That doesn’t make sense, huh? What I mean is I don’t have cravings to make me want it, but if I think about it (as I am typing this), then I kind of want it.

Energy: the morning was hard, again, but I got up anyways and pushed through. Afternoon was much harder. I didn’t have the big kids, so I napped. However, I didn’t feel very good when I woke up, just more tired and wanting more sleep.

Hypno tapes:  listened during nap.

Household: 2 loads of laundry. Cleaned up kitchen & dishes.

Budget/money: I had to get out of the house because the baby didn’t take a very good morning nap and was SUPER clingy. I went to TJMaxx to get the hand weights I saw there. I bought a few other necessities (jeans for Owen, bbq veggie tray, microplane grater-thing, cheaper earbuds—I need to remember to go there next time I need new earbuds. The same ones at Target & Walmart were $10-$15 more!) I spent a total of $32, but it was fore exercise or cooking & pants for Owen- man can that boy BLOW HOLES in his pants knees.

Parenting: 6 OK, but my mom took the kids in the afternoon & evening to a movie, so I didn’t have to do anything with them. However, we had a GREAT morning of no yelling & we were on-time. The kids finished with enough time to watch a funny video on YouTube of a dog jumping on a trampoline. I’m thinking if we have more mornings like this, I’ll try to find a different funny animal video for them to watch.

Baby gets Hurt, Mother eats CHEETOS

I think I mentioned that I didn’t think I was an emotional eater… well, I now know that I am a guilt-eater. Which actually makes sense. Is guilt an emotion? Sure. But it seems to be the strongest emotion that causes me to eat. This is unfortunate since I tend to feel guilty about a lot of things. Guilt is an emotion that I seem to have no problem identifying and feeling– the same cannot be said about other emotions. Hmmm, must mention that to therapist.

Latest guilt-inducing event: baby falling at grocery store, hitting face on shopping cart wheel, getting a HUGE FAT LIP, and bleeding all over himself and me. It wasn’t really my fault that he fell. He falls A LOT, he’s only been walking for a week and a half, so he is still learning. He is VERY wobbly. Which is where the guilt comes in…. why was I letting him walk in the grocery store when there are so many things he can fall on, or grab, or hit that can hurt him?? Well, because I was about an hour past his nap time and he was tired and cranky and whiny and he kept throwing his head back in the shopping cart seat. Every time he did this he would hit the base of his head on the metal of the cart seat and cry harder. It was pathetic. I let him out of the cart when I had 3 more items to find. He was so happy! He was happiest when he could push the cart by that bar at the bottom (the one where most people rest a foot when they stop for a second). So I was looking at the very last thing on my list and he was walking towards the cart & bar. I knew that if he reached it, he would immediately push the cart into a display. So I went to move the cart, not away from him, just angle it to change where it would go when he pushed it. Well, I didn’t realize he was already lunging/falling for the bar and no longer walking and he hit his face on the part of the bar that holds the wheel. OH THE SCREAM! OH THE BLOOD! OH THE POOR BABY!

It was horrible! He was wiping blood everywhere. I didn’t have anything to wipe the blood, so I went to the check stands and got a paper towel. Then I went to the bathroom. It was bad. But, do you know what was worse??? The guilt. The shame. I felt like the worst mother in the world. Why did I let him walk in the store? Why did I move the cart? Why did I go shopping when he should have been napping?

So I went home and ate the rest of the Cheetos. Did it make me feel better?? No. Did it make his lip better? No. Can I try to do better next time? Yes.

Food:

  • Breakfast: 1 ½ turkey pita: avocado, turkey, spinach; coffee (non fat milk & sf flavor); ¼ banana
  • Snack: 8 California rolls w/ soy
  • Lunch: quesadilla, homemade iced-green tea (ok), fish crackers, l/o asparagus,
  • Snack: hummus & veggie chips, CHEETOS (emo eating, for sure!!)
  • Dinner: tofu fried rice & peas, ½ light beer
  • Snack: vanilla ice cream w/ 4 thin mints crumbled on top

Exercise: Gym in the morning- 20 min elliptical, arms

Water: Excellent! Doing good b/c of the lime juice I’ve been putting in.

Energy: Didn’t want to get up, but I did & then felt fine after coffee. I had AWESOME energy after my workout- like I was on a drug or something. Huh, I guess that’s what people mean about exercise!

Hypno tapes:  At bed listened to motivation one.

Household: Grocery shopping. Cooked dinner.

Budget/money: Good. Spent more at the grocery store than I should have b/c I didn’t use any coupons & I was buying ingredients  for the fried rice that were expensive (sesame oil, etc). Plus I was super rushed after Easton got hurt.

Parenting: 6 Woot! The highest number yet…. although, when I think about the baby getting hurt, it should be lower. I helped Macy w/ her project (read: did more than I should have. Who expects 4th graders to be able to format in Word??) Studied math & spelling w/ Owen.