I have lost 14 pounds in 14 weeks. I would have lost a lot more than that if I could get control of my binge eating. I just don’t know how to stop. I desperately want to stop. But when I start eating I just can’t stop no matter how much I want to even while I do it. I try to tell myself as I’m doing it that I need to stop. I try to tell myself not to start when I have a bite of a trigger food. I try to not buy the stuff and have it in the house. But I fail at every step when it comes to all of this. I hate it.
The weird thing is that I don’t understand a lot about binge eating. I’ve googled it. I’ve briefly talked to my old therapists about it. But none of the explanations ring true for me. It feels like this is one of those things where understanding why I do it is the only to help me stop doing it. But I just don’t know why. I have done it for so long and done it so mindlessly. I never thought it was a problem until about the last 10 years or so.
I have come to realize that I have some big trigger foods: breads, crackers, candy, soda (even diet), simple sugars. Basically everything I love. But I cannot stop when I start eating these foods. It is like they don’t taste good unless I eat all of it. I know that doesn’t make logical sense, but it is not logical at all. But the good news to me is that none of my trigger foods are essential to survival. I have given up these foods before and I lose a lot of weight very quickly. Problem is that when I give those foods up I become super moody and bitchy and physically ill with headaches and general malaise. I’ve done it for 14 days and I was miserable to be around. Many of those foods are everywhere, especially when I am feeding my children. It feels ridiculous to give my kid a graham cracker and be resentful that I can’t have one too. Then that makes me irrationally angry that they get to eat those foods and I do not. I feel like a horrible mother when I resent my children for the food they get to eat. I don’t know how to do it and not be bitchy, but I know I need to try. I’m thinking I need to do some meditation or yoga or something to help with that (hahaha, in all my spare time!!).
So for now, I am going to try to just be more mindful of eating and try to curtail the binge eating of my trigger foods and try healthier substitutions. My hope is that by not quitting cold turkey, I will be able to gradually cut back on them until the point I am at least not binge eating them and hopefully barely eating them at all. I need to eat more thoughtfully to stop this eating without thought. This is the hardest part of my journey.
I have been cooking for years now. I am fairly competent and faily confident. I generally know what my family will like and what to adjust so they will at least eat it.
But, wow, tonight was a big dinner FAIL. It was pretty gross. Everyone was able to swallow it down with minimal complaining… well, except for the baby, she refused and I didn’t blame her! I think the reason the rest of the family ate it as fuss-free as they did was because I felt so bad (I’ll have to remember to use that again!).
The funny thing is that I’m not sure the recipe was horrible because of something I did or because of the recipe. I did make a MAJOR substitution of a major ingredient of something I’ve never tried before. But it was a new recipe. A small part of me wants to remake the recipe exactly as written, but I know that is crazy and not worth it. Why can’t I let it go? I cooked a bad meal. M.O.V.E. O.N.!!!
I will say though, the new side recipe I tried was a success! So I’m going to focus on that! One out of two is really not that horrible.
I am desperate to lose these 100 pounds and this Halloween candy is not doing me any favors. Since I am working out twice a week still, I need to change my eating habits. I had the worst time cooking during our son’s football season because my husband is a coach also. So 3 weeknights per week they would leave at 4:30 and not get home until after 7. That would leave me with the 13 year old, the 4 year old, and the EXTREMELY fussy, Miss Baby Gemma. That time of evening has always been bad for her, but she just will not tolerate me in the kitchen cooking for an hour or so. She would cry at my feet while I would try to chop and cook. It was horrible. And dangerous. I tried putting her in the high chair with some snacks, but that only works for a little bit. I tried wearing her in the carrier or a wrap on my back, but it would hurt to hold her for that long and take me twice as long to cook. So my (and my family’s) eating habits during football season sucked. I didn’t gain any weight back, but I didn’t lose any more.
So football ended on Saturday and I have my first menu plan. I subscribed to emeals in August, and I liked some of the things about it, but not everything. I LOVED the shopping app, I liked having a plan and grocery list, I liked the idea of trying new recipes. But I didn’t like all of the recipes for each week and I missed some of my own, tried and true recipes. So I decided to make my own menu plan each week.
Here is my first plan:
Weekly Menu Plan #1
Monday: (baseball practice) l/o shredded pork: use for taco, beans, applesauce, and red cabbage salad
Tuesday (vegetarian): pasta lendic (lentil soup), salad, fruit [Defrost mystery meat for tomorrow!]
Wednesday: (baseball & girl scouts) Crockpot w/ mystery meat (this recipe will be good since it can be for either pork or beef, & I’m pretty sure it is one! I’m definitely sure it is boneless, I think!), edamame
Thursday (vegetarian): pasta & garlic broccoli
Friday: Chili & salad & cornbread (sorry Macy! I have no idea why she hates cornbread so much, but the rest of us love it!)
Saturday: tuna casserole & edamame (or other veggie that needs to be used up)
Sunday: Crockpot & something from the freezer
Monday (baseball practice): hamburger helper (beef & lasagna) & edamame
Tuesday: pork briskets (freezer), red cabbage salad, rice w/ frozen spinach (double rice & set aside 1/2 w/o spinach for Thursday)
Wednesday (baseball practice): tilapia & cauliflower & asparagus, l/o spinach rice
Thursday (my class): something w/ the tofu & l/o rice (shrimp-like fried rice??), spinach salad
Friday: fajitas, beans, fruit salad,
Sunday: something from the freezer