So, I haven’t been writing a lot. I’ve been busy feeling the feelings and thinking about writing. And there have been a lot of feelings. All over the place types of feelings. I know that blogging isn’t like it used to be. So I feel torn about writing about all these feelings here. But I write this thing for me. I want to document my feelings. My changes. My growth.
I have been so busy lately beating myself up about basically quitting on my weight-loss journey that I have sunken into a pretty horrible depression. It totally follows my typical depression cycles. Staying up late. Disengaging from household duties. Over-engaging in mind-numbing activities (phone games, twitter, tv shows, books). Sleeping as much as I can during the day. Doing the bare minimum to sustain a family life.
When I’m in these cycles I am miserable and I know I am making everyone else miserable, but I don’t or can’t care enough to stop. Which makes me mad at myself… even when I’m in the middle of it, I hate it and therefore hate myself. Which perpetuates the cycle.
The weirdest thing helped me want to break this latest cycle. And a HUGE part of me is embarrassed by what made me want to snap out of it. I’m talking, head shaking, tear inducing embarrassment. I thought I wanted to write about it. But as I went to type the words I was too embarrassed. Huh. I can still surprise myself. (Aside: embarrassment, or avoiding embarrassment, is a very big motivator for me. It is so big that I get extremely uncomfortable watching other people embarrassing themselves, which is why I don’t watch Reality TV. I feel their embarrassment. Which I try to avoid at any cost. So why would I watch something that makes me feel that?)
So what is my take away from this embarrassing thing that snapped me out of my depressive state? It doesn’t matter it what IT actually is. It just matters that I use it and run with the feelings it stirred up and get myself out of this miserable condition.
This is how my thought process went:
I’m fat and old and unworthy of even THINKING about this embarrassing thing.>>
Wait. Are those things true?>> Fat? Yes. I am obese. But not obese enough to qualify for gastric bypass via my HMO. Stupid HMO.>>
Old? Well, not really. I’m going to be 39 in a few weeks, which means I am going to be 40 in a little over a year. I have a lot of good years ahead. I am technically not old, despite saying it and feeling it.>>
Unworthy? Why have I never realized that unworthy is how I have felt most of my life? This is the way I feel about everything in my life. Not just about EMBARRASSING THOUGHT.>>
Wow. I think if I were in therapy this would be a break-through moment!>>
How do I use this realization to change my feeling of unworthiness?
So because of the above thoughts, I went from thinking EMBARRASSING THOUGHT to wanting to feel worthy and make changes in my life. All of a sudden, I want to refuse to accept that the rest of my life is going to be a continuation of the miserable feelings I feel on a nearly constant basis because of my unworthiness. I want to change the things in my life that I am unhappy with. I realize and accept that it has to start with me. I’m starting to want some big goals for myself. That is a new feeling. I know I won’t accomplish those goals if I don’t feel worthy of them. How do I make myself feel worthy?
I’m not completely sure but I’m going to start with the following:
- Tell myself I’m worthy at least 3 times a day.
- Live like I feel worthy.
- Take steps to change the things I am miserable about. (Everything in my depressive cycle. My weight. Current family dynamic.)
- Start DREAMING BIG! (I have BIG GOALS that I’m scared to think about because I feel so unworthy. I am WORTHY! I can accomplish them!)