New Year, New Blogging Mojo

2015 started today and I was sick in bed with this migraine/vertigo thing I’ve had a couple times this month. It sucked. Sleep seems to be the only thing that makes it better, so I am fortunate that I was able to do that today. I think it is triggered by exhaustion and stress in high doses.

While I was in bed I was able to ponder the New Year and what I want to be different and better in 2015. As usual, a million things came to mind and so did the desire to Change. Them. All. Right. Now. Past Me knows this is a recipe for disaster because it leads to too many unrealistic resolutions that I try to achieve at the same time. I invariably fail and end up more miserable than I started because now I get to add an extra helping of self-loathing for not doing things for myself that are good for me. I mean really, this is New Year’s Resolution 101. I know better.

I want this year to be different. I want to be successful. I want to be proud of me!

I came across a hashtag #onelittleword and was intrigued by the idea and simplicity. But of course, I quickly became overwhelmed trying to come up with the PERFECT word for me. Some of the ones I considered were:
☆Love
☆Achieve
☆Be
☆Better
☆Move
☆Self
☆Do
☆Try
☆Happy
☆Peace
☆Perfect  (the verb)
☆Accept
☆Pride
☆Believe
☆Simplify
☆Minimize
☆Focus
☆Healthy
☆Save
☆Live
☆Fun
☆Thankful
☆Brave
☆Create
☆Joy
☆Choose
☆Strive
☆Change
☆Act
☆Enough
☆Push

I realized I was falling into my same old New Year’s resolutions habits. Too many things I want to change. I wanted to find the perfect word that would encompass all the areas of my life that I wanted to improve: my weight, my parenting, my attitude, my lack of motivation to do anything sometimes, my relationships, my low self-esteem, etc, etc. Some of the above words could apply to some of these areas, but none really touched on ALL. And this thought process was defeating the entire purpose of #onelittleword.

And then I saw my #onelittleword was right there all along. It is something I want to do in all areas of my life. A single word that takes into account where I’m starting and how far I want to go without limiting me or being too grandiose. As soon as I thought it I knew it was THE #onelittleword that could motivate me, focus me, and not set me up for failure before I even started.

My #onelittleword for 2015: improve.
I am ready for you, 2015.

Advertisements

February, Already????

And almost mid-February, at that. Geesh.

I have felt All The Feelings and had all the ups and downs for a whole year in these first few weeks of 2014.

I need to recap some biggies here before I forget.

January started and I was feeling SO MOTIVATED to get healthy. I mean it. FULLY MOTIVATED. This was it!!! I was going to get healthy and lose 30 lbs by my birthday (April 11th) to jump start my 39th year. Then I was going to focus on losing the rest of this weight (modestly another 50, ambitiously another 80) by my 40th birthday, next year. I could just feel it in my core that I was really going to do it! I was excited! I was ready to do the hard work!

And then I had a possible job opportunity that sent me into a tailspin mentally. This was for a full-time teaching position at a high school I recently did a 6 month long term substitute assignment. I was conflicted about working, to say the least! On the one hand, the VERY, heavy, big hand, we NEEDED me to have this well-paying job. We are in serious jeopardy of losing our house. We are in our last chance of getting a modification on our home loan. (This is for another post. I cannot write about all the details until I know what the final outcome is going to be. Some details: DH was demoted, to the tune of $30k less a year 2.5 years ago. Up until the baby was born, I had been substitute teaching here and there and looking for some type of part-time job, to no avail. We’ve been trying to get our loan modified since we knew about the pay cut. They won’t even consider you for a modification until you have missed some payments. So we did. We kept getting denied for ILLEGAL reasons. We filed bankruptcy. We hired lawyers. We are still waiting to hear. It has been a horrible way to live, raise our family, and have a new baby amid such uncertainty. A really, really horrible way to live, if you can even call it living. I’ve wanted to walk away so many times just to be out from under this burden. DH feels strongly about staying. It has taken its toll on our marriage.) So, anyways, me having this job would have financially answered a lot of our prayers, all of them actually. So applying for the job was really a no-brainer. I had to do it. BUT, that brought up so many worries. And I, historically, am not a worrier, although I was raised by a champion worrier. So worry is a difficult thing for me to feel. But I felt plenty of worry.

Most of my worries were about how I could possibly manage working full-time and still be a decent mom to my 4 kids. I couldn’t wrap my brain around it. The 6 month assignment I previously worked at this school was VERY difficult because I was pregnant and had 3 kids. How could I do it with 4? Some of my worry was about the baby. My mom refused to commit to babysitting (like she has always done, but that’s for another post) 5 days a week. So I would have to find outside care. This bothered me to my core. I felt like I sacrificed so much to stay home while my kids were babies, and then to go back and have to put the last baby in a stranger’s care?? Even now, weeks later, I’m tearing up just thinking about it. It makes me feel like a failure as a mom (and it makes me angry with my mom, but again, another post). The rest of my worry was about if I still had what it took to teach 5 periods a day. (I will post about my thoughts on me as a teacher another day too. Soon. I will.)

But through all of my worries, I was most worried about if I would get it. I thought I had more than a fair chance. I thought everyone was happy with my performance 2 years ago. My friend is an administrator there. I had a pretty good interview. The job was supposed to start the first Monday of February. I got a call the Wednesday before that saying they had to keep interviewing because the HR boss felt they didn’t have enough of a pool to pick from on such a tight time crunch. He said he would be in touch. It has been 2 weeks since I’ve heard anything. I’ve assumed I did not get the job. The emotions I’ve felt over this have been all over the place. Not getting this job hurt more than I expected it to.

So from mid-January, when I first applied for this job, till now, I have been an emotional mess. With the HIGHS of how great this job would be financially for my family. To the LOWS about having to arrange outside childcare and the stress about working full-time and then NOT getting the job. So that just opened the door to my old nemesis: Depression. I have not been depressed in such a long time. I was not prepared for its return. I don’t think I need to go back on any medication just yet, because so much of my feelings revolve around situations that will be resolving soon or have resolved. But I just need to acknowledge that the Depression is back and work on fighting through it. That’s a big part of why I’m writing this. It helps me feel my feelings.

I wish I could rewind back to the second week of January, where I was losing weight and in a great place mentally. I would never apply for the job. I would never actually look at the posting for that job. Yeah, right. I wish. Since I can’t do that, I just need to recommit and refocus. I’m going to start with my menu planning. For whatever reason, the small act of sitting down and focusing on what I’m going to cook and buy for the week really helps in other areas. It makes me feel empowered. It motivates me. It makes me a better me.

So that’s where I’m going to start.

A Shot in the Foot

My plantar fasciitis has been bugging me since August,  when I started working out again. Some days it is so bad that by 4pm I can only hobble along. Some days it doesn’t bother me at all. So I kept putting going to the doctor off. Because I know what the treatment is and I swore I would never do it again.
In the Spring of 2011, I was also suffering from this horrible affliction. I had been working out and had lost 25 pounds. It was supposed to get better after I lost 20, it did not. So I went to my regular doctor and got a referral to a podiatrist. I was surprised when at the first visit he told me he was going to give me a cortisone injection. Then he proceeded to inflict unimaginable pain on my foot and try to shame me at the same time. It was the weirdest, least professional medical experience in my life!
First thing he did was come in the room with a very large needle, but he left the door ajar. He reclined my chair and then sprayed my foot with useless numbing spray at the SAME TIME AS HE INJECTED MY FOOT MULTIPLE TIMES. (The spray needs time to numb before I should have been injected!) It happened so fast and was so painful, I tried to muffle my screams. He was shushing me. Then he stopped, looked at me, kept the needle in my foot, reached his other arm back to shut the door and said, “I have to shut the door because you’re being so loud. This is nothing! You’ve had 3 babies. Come on now.”
I was in shock. I was in pain. I was ashamed. Through my tears, I quickly and clearly said, “I also had 3 epidurals. And this HURTS MORE.” And I squirmed and moaned more quietly. I then hobbled out of there because NOW my foot was numb from all the numbing spray.
It was a horrible medical experience.  But it worked. It fixed the pain from the plantar fasciitis. But it was such a traumatic experience I vowed, no matter how bad I felt, I would never do it again.
Fast forward two and a half years and here I am at my regular doctor today asking if there is any other options for treating this damn thing. She said no, that it is the best and only real treatment (besides losing weight, which she acknowledged, is hard to do when you cant walk without pain), and especially for me, since it worked the first time. So I recounted my experience and she agreed it was horrible. She then suggested I see a Nurse Practitioner in her office, who specialized in podiatry. I wasn’t so sure. I know cortisone shots can be less painful if administered by someone who does them a lot and does this NP do a lot? She didn’t know, but when I asked her if she would let this same NP give her this injection, she said, “Yes. No doubt, if I decided to get a shot in my foot, which would be very unlikely, because it is such a sensitive area, but if I needed it, yeah, she would be the one to give it to me.” So, with that I said I’d make an appointment with the NP.
At the desk to make the appointment I was a little shocked to find out my choice of appointments was tomorrow or January 11th. So I made the appointment for tomorrow and am freaking out that I have so little time to mentally prepare. But really,  nothing is going to make me ready for this. I just hope it works and is all worth it. 

Quick Updates

1. The mastitis is finally healing. I am still amazed at how such a small thing caused so much pain & ill feelings. It made me feel so much more exhausted than usual, and that’s saying a lot because I normally always feel tired. The pain and tenderness last a good 6 days. But thankfully I feel 100% better. I have 2 days of antibiotics left. The best news is that Gemma is still nursing, with no signs of stopping anytime soon!

2. My to do lists are not any closer to being done. Getting sick did not help me in the motivation department.

3. My weight loss goals are probably not going to be met by the new year. But they were a little ambitious to begin with. I will be more than satisfied if I lose half of my original goal.

That is it for now. I need some sleep!

I can do this!

weights

weights (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Today was a really good day all around. I have to focus on the positives, and I am going to. Like today, when I normally would have went to the Halloween candy bag, I instead grabbed a small bowl of almonds. At dinner, I took the skin off my chicken and filled up on the protein instead of the beans and macaroni and cheese. I went to a boot camp, when I was really not up for it. I completed a lot more of the boot camp exercises than I have in the past. I surprised myself by being able to hold the weights above my head the entire time to and from “the wall.” I reorganized my blog categories.

Go Me!!

 

Food without Thought

I have lost 14 pounds in 14 weeks. I would have lost a lot more than that if I could get control of my binge eating. I just don’t know how to stop. I desperately want to stop. But when I start eating I just can’t stop no matter how much I want to even while I do it. I try to tell myself as I’m doing it that I need to stop. I try to tell myself not to start when I have a bite of a trigger food. I try to not buy the stuff and have it in the house. But I fail at every step when it comes to all of this. I hate it.

The weird thing is that I don’t understand a lot about binge eating. I’ve googled it. I’ve briefly talked to my old therapists about it. But none of the explanations ring true for me. It feels like this is one of those things where understanding why I do it is the only to help me stop doing it. But I just don’t know why. I have done it for so long and done it so mindlessly. I never thought it was a problem until about the last 10 years or so.

I have come to realize that I have some big trigger foods: breads, crackers, candy, soda (even diet), simple sugars. Basically everything I love. But I cannot stop when I start eating these foods. It is like they don’t taste good unless I eat all of it. I know that doesn’t make logical sense, but it is not logical at all. But the good news to me is that none of my trigger foods are essential to survival. I have given up these foods before and I lose a lot of weight very quickly. Problem is that when I give those foods up I become super moody and bitchy and physically ill with headaches and general malaise. I’ve done it for 14 days and I was miserable to be around. Many of those foods are everywhere, especially when I am feeding my children. It feels ridiculous to give my kid a graham cracker and be resentful that I can’t have one too. Then that makes me irrationally angry that they get to eat those foods and I do not. I feel like a horrible mother when I resent my children for the food they get to eat. I don’t know how to do it and not be bitchy, but I know I need to try. I’m thinking I need to do some meditation or yoga or something to help with that (hahaha, in all my spare time!!).

So for now, I am going to try to just be more mindful of eating and try to curtail the binge eating of my trigger foods and try healthier substitutions. My hope is that by not quitting cold turkey, I will be able to gradually cut back on them until the point I am at least not binge eating them and hopefully barely eating them at all. I need to eat more thoughtfully to stop this eating without thought. This is the hardest part of my journey.

My Aching Body

I’m working out and my body is revolting, REVOLTING against me!!

I’ve had plantar fasciitis for two years, off and on. It is bad when I am exercising. I hobble around in the morning and throughout the day. I ice my foot several times a week. I take a ton of ibuprofen. I deal with it.

I also have after-working out, specific muscle soreness. I kind of like this kind of soreness. Especially when it is from little muscles that I hardly notice otherwise. This kind of soreness makes me feel stronger and leaner. When my abs are sore, and I notice them with every twist and turn, it feels good.

My newest pain, that I do not like, and wish that it would go die in a fire is shin splints. Shin splints are evil. They are painful. They are getting in the way of how hard I want to work out. My shins are on fire if I run or jog or jump at all. I finally get myself to do bootcamps and I can’t do a third of it because it hurts too much. I’m already embarrassed about being the most out of shape person at the bootcamp, and then I can’t do anything that has any impact at all. Makes me feel like I’m not doing any good, even though I know that something is better than nothing.

So Body, I’m putting you on notice, that even though you are trying to revolt against me, I am going to persevere and win. Trust me, in the end, you’ll thank me. This is for both of us. So please, don’t try to kill me.