Food without Thought

I have lost 14 pounds in 14 weeks. I would have lost a lot more than that if I could get control of my binge eating. I just don’t know how to stop. I desperately want to stop. But when I start eating I just can’t stop no matter how much I want to even while I do it. I try to tell myself as I’m doing it that I need to stop. I try to tell myself not to start when I have a bite of a trigger food. I try to not buy the stuff and have it in the house. But I fail at every step when it comes to all of this. I hate it.

The weird thing is that I don’t understand a lot about binge eating. I’ve googled it. I’ve briefly talked to my old therapists about it. But none of the explanations ring true for me. It feels like this is one of those things where understanding why I do it is the only to help me stop doing it. But I just don’t know why. I have done it for so long and done it so mindlessly. I never thought it was a problem until about the last 10 years or so.

I have come to realize that I have some big trigger foods: breads, crackers, candy, soda (even diet), simple sugars. Basically everything I love. But I cannot stop when I start eating these foods. It is like they don’t taste good unless I eat all of it. I know that doesn’t make logical sense, but it is not logical at all. But the good news to me is that none of my trigger foods are essential to survival. I have given up these foods before and I lose a lot of weight very quickly. Problem is that when I give those foods up I become super moody and bitchy and physically ill with headaches and general malaise. I’ve done it for 14 days and I was miserable to be around. Many of those foods are everywhere, especially when I am feeding my children. It feels ridiculous to give my kid a graham cracker and be resentful that I can’t have one too. Then that makes me irrationally angry that they get to eat those foods and I do not. I feel like a horrible mother when I resent my children for the food they get to eat. I don’t know how to do it and not be bitchy, but I know I need to try. I’m thinking I need to do some meditation or yoga or something to help with that (hahaha, in all my spare time!!).

So for now, I am going to try to just be more mindful of eating and try to curtail the binge eating of my trigger foods and try healthier substitutions. My hope is that by not quitting cold turkey, I will be able to gradually cut back on them until the point I am at least not binge eating them and hopefully barely eating them at all. I need to eat more thoughtfully to stop this eating without thought. This is the hardest part of my journey.

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My Aching Body

I’m working out and my body is revolting, REVOLTING against me!!

I’ve had plantar fasciitis for two years, off and on. It is bad when I am exercising. I hobble around in the morning and throughout the day. I ice my foot several times a week. I take a ton of ibuprofen. I deal with it.

I also have after-working out, specific muscle soreness. I kind of like this kind of soreness. Especially when it is from little muscles that I hardly notice otherwise. This kind of soreness makes me feel stronger and leaner. When my abs are sore, and I notice them with every twist and turn, it feels good.

My newest pain, that I do not like, and wish that it would go die in a fire is shin splints. Shin splints are evil. They are painful. They are getting in the way of how hard I want to work out. My shins are on fire if I run or jog or jump at all. I finally get myself to do bootcamps and I can’t do a third of it because it hurts too much. I’m already embarrassed about being the most out of shape person at the bootcamp, and then I can’t do anything that has any impact at all. Makes me feel like I’m not doing any good, even though I know that something is better than nothing.

So Body, I’m putting you on notice, that even though you are trying to revolt against me, I am going to persevere and win. Trust me, in the end, you’ll thank me. This is for both of us. So please, don’t try to kill me.

Weighty Goals

I am ready to step up my game, weight-loss wise. I am committed to cooking 5-6 nights per week. And working out or walking every single day.

This week I did a training session on Monday morning and then walked 2.1 miles on Monday night and went to a bootcamp on Tuesday night. I have plans for exercise for the whole week.

My goals are to lose 15 pounds by December 31, bringing my total weight loss to 30 pounds. Then my next goal will be to weigh 190 by my 39th birthday, on April 11th. That will be a total weight loss of 60 pounds. And a safe and sensible goal of 50 pounds over 5 and a half months (23 weeks).

I’m ready to do this. I’m ready to take control of my life. I’m ready to live.

Sports Feelings

Growing up, I can remember being told by my mother that sports were for boys and I wouldn’t be good at them. She now denies ever having said this and says I never asked to play. I can remember a conversation after my bother’s soccer game. I must have been 6 or 7 and he was 5 or 6. To me, he clearly didn’t want to play and I did. When I asked her about me playing, she said the above and something about how I would get hurt because I was so clumsy (I was). My memories from childhood are jumbled and few (which upsets my mom, because QUOTE: “She worked so hard to give me nice memories.”) but I remember this conversation,  god damn it. I remember where we were standing in her room. I remember how I felt. I remember it.

Even if I concede that she may not have said those words (which I don’t), the message to me was clear growing up. I was put in dance classes that I didn’t like (um, clumsy). My brother was made to play soccer and baseball, which, to my memory, he didn’t like (I have to remember to ask him now). Message= boys play sports; girls dance.

Luckily,  my brother and I both went on to discover a love of music and performing.

But I have regrets. The message I took away was that I couldn’t try sports. I would suck at them. Sports were off-limits to me. I wonder how different I could have been if that door was open to me? As I’ve been recently working out and lifting weights, I feel like there is a part of me that could have enjoyed this a lot earlier. I feel by body and spirit respond to it and imagine doing things that my body at this size will never be able to do.

For the past 5 or so years, when I’ve had a positive, good kind of physically active day, when I close my eyes I imagine myself doing a hand stand. Over and over I’ve imagined this. And it is always a positive feeling that washes over me imagining this. I don’t know what this means, other than one of my fitness goals now is to be able to do a hand stand. It has sort of become my acknowledgement to the girl who was told sports were not for her. It is a message to her that she could have done it and that I can still do anything. It is an empowering thought that I hold on to, instead of the regrets about not playing sports when younger. I can’t wait for the day when I can so a hand stand.

Sending Ed Packing

I’ve been in weekly talk therapy for almost 3 months now. I love my therapist, even though I can’t believe I pay so much to see her. I really feel like she gets me and is in my corner. Yet, at the same time, she can get tough with me and say things to me that I don’t really want to hear. That is a good quality in a therapist.

At my most recent session, I was telling her that I’m really motivated to get healthy & get down to my “perfect” weight. She asked me how much I wanted to lose. I told her at least 114 pounds. She said, “Wow, that’s like a whole person.” Gulp, that was not such a pleasant thought, true, but a yucky thing to think about. She kind of casually threw out there that I should name these 114+ pounds as a way to visualize and communicate better about what it means to me. So I said, “How about Ed?” Yes, I named my fat Ed. I don’t really know why, but it was the first name I thought of. Judy was a little surprised I think of this excess weight as male, but as any good therapist would do, she asked me if there was a reason for that.

The more I thought about it, the more I realized Ed was a perfect name! I think Ed is an appropriate name for my excess weight because with him here, I DEFINITELY don’t feel very feminine. I haven’t for years. In fact, the most feminine I feel is when I’m pregnant. Also, with this excess weight, I know I have extra testosterone in my blood from recent blood tests. Also, being this heavy causes me not to have periods and to have excess facial hair and acne. In short, Ed is messing with my hormones. I fully anticipate that once Ed is gone I will feel feminine again and I can’t wait!